My friends have told me that when I am in Ethnic Studies Mode, it feels like I am placing struggle or empathy on a high shelf, too far away for them to reach.
Immature college-me would have said that I do that on purpose because people in power appropriate and exploit everything that they can. Also, how does it feel to be denied access to something? Your entitlement adds significance to this act because you are used to getting what you want. The system works for you, has always worked for you in terms of conditioning you to expect others to seek to understand you, so you feel like you deserve access.
Immature post-college me would say that I do that as a defense mechanism because this is my place to escape my the pressure of daily representing my race. It is a pressure that you, as a normative agent in our society, do not feel. I need you to accept that before we can talk.
Mildly mature now-me is trying to find ways of helping you understand, but I only see irony and hilarity.
For example, if I place my struggle on a high shelf, too far for you to reach, how should I go about bridging the gap between you and that empathy?
1. Do I just give you the jar? How is that fair to me, when I have worked so hard to arrive at my empathy and understanding of race relations in the United States? I made the choice to study it in college and act that knowledge out in my daily life. You did not make that choice. Should you be punished for that? Does punishing you make things better for me?
2. Should I help you help yourself? Do I give you a ladder? Do I need to back up and give you a chance to earn a ladder? Maybe you won't be able to fully understand how to find that ladder. Maybe you will have to earn part of the ladder, leaving your kids or even future generations to come to that empathy. I should understand that this might be a slow process, but I can only feel frustrated with you. After all, I was able to do this, so why aren't you?
3. Maybe I need to create some sort of system of helping you catch up. This is partially motivated by my good intentions and magnanimous nature, but it is also motivated by my understanding that harmony is important to a healthy nation. My friends may tell me that this is doing too much for you, but I believe that harmony is important. Also, maybe the system makes me feel good about myself.
What shall I call this system, this set of actions that will try to affirm you in a positive way and acknowledge the truth that you need to catch up? What kind of action is this?
4. Ultimately, steps #1-3 may not even matter. Because they are facetious. In reality, you can walk away from this list because you have the luxury of not being affected by the stuff in that jar. You may care about that jar because you are curious about it, or because you care about me. Thank you, by the way. But ultimately, that jar contains what you would like to know and what I need to survive. It may touch your life, but it rules mine. It is not fair.
